Thoughts on death

(originally written 10/17/06)

Notice that didn't say "Thoughts of death." I think it's only natural for me to have done some contemplation of dying having just lost Deb, but I'm not thinking about trying it out anytime soon. I know one of my reasons for existing was to be Deb's husband, but even thought that's over, I figure I'm still here for some reason, if only to tick off conservatives.

I warn you: the ultimate conclusion I will draw from these meanderings is "I don't know." If you're reading hoping I'm going to come to some grand conclusion or tell you what I think happens when you die, I wouldn't bother reading on.

I believe in Jesus and heaven. But that doesn't mean I think that when you die you board a holy escalator and head straight for the pearly gates. It also doesn't mean I think you lie a'mouldering in your grave wait for the trumpets to blare on Judgment Day.

I believe in Judgment Day, of course. Otherwise the whole salvation thing is kind of pointless, you know. I'm just not sure what you do until then.

Mark Twain, a pretty smart guy but definitely a disillusioned one, thought that oblivion is our destination. He thought it sounded restful and acknowledged that the universe had carried on without him for a few million years before he existed and would carry on fine when he ceased to be. If I'm wrong about my faith, then I have to admit I like this thought. Better not to exist than to spend eternity hanging out in Hades with the hypocrites and those people who won't turn off their cellphones in the movie theater.

I, on the other hand, think that the soul (for the lack of a better word), is a hardy thing, and death is the release of it from the body.

I watched my wife pass away. One second she was my wife and the next ... she wasn't. The body was there, but it certainly wasn't her anymore. It didn't look like her. It certainly didn't act like her. So it wasn't her. It was just what was left behind. Deb's soul, the part of her that IS her, is somewhere else.

So what do I think happens when you die?

I like to think you get to hang around for a while and stay near the people you love. I like to think you get a chance to do the things you wanted to do and go where you wanted to go when you were alive. I even like to think you may get to extract a little karmic revenge on those who wronged you (provided, of course, they REALLY deserve it).

For example, I'm convinced Deb spent a couple of weeks dashing around radio stations and making them play "You and Me" by Lifehouse, which I told her I associated with her. I couldn't count the number of times that song came on when I turned on the radio. It even came on when I stopped at the funeral home to make the arrangements. It seems like something she'd do.

Then ... I don't know. Maybe you get to check into a cosmic waiting room with a buffet and wait around for Judgment Day. Maybe you join into a cosmic co-op with other souls and travel around the universe. It's a big place ... that'd probably keep a person occupied for an eternity or so.

Again, I like to think this stuff, but I don't know. I don't think anyone does.

Warned you, I did.