The first and last mix tape ... er, CD

(originally written 10/04/06)

When the funeral director said I could put together a collection of songs for the service, I flashed back to the mix CD I put together for her on the anniversary of our meeting. Now I had the chance to do it again.

The first mix CD was songs that reminded me of her, because she sang it at karaoke or the lyrics reminded me of her or because she liked the song. Here's the lineup:

1. "For Once In My Life" -- Stevie Wonder
2. "Come Away With Me" -- Norah Jones
3. "Don't Know Why" -- Norah Jones
4. "Wonderful World" -- James Taylor, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
5. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" -- Bonnie Tyler
6. "Where Are You Going" -- The Dave Matthews Band
7. "The Way You Look Tonight" -- Frank Sinatra
8. "Your Smiling Face" -- James Taylor
9. "Sunrise" -- Norah Jones
10. "Somebody to Love" -- Queen with George Michael
11. "Follow Me" -- Uncle Kracker
12. "Extraordinary" -- Liz Phair
13. "My Immortal" -- Evanessence
14. "Love Shack" -- The B-52s
15. "The Rose" -- Bette Midler

Here are the songs I picked for her service and why:

1. "Lovers In A Dangerous Time" -- Barenaked Ladies
We love the band, and the title has special meaning to me considering our relationship was getting serious about the time 9/11 happened. She called me and woke me up to tell me what was happening, and because of her I was watching live when the second tower was hit.

One of the lines, "You gotta kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight," I know, is what Deb wants me to do now.

2. "My Immortal" -- Evanessence
One of Deb's favorite songs, and a karaoke favorite. Plus it reminds me of the night I had a panic attack and she was there to comfort me.

"You cry, I wipe away all of your tears
You scream, I fight away all of your fears."

I'll always be grateful to her for that.

3. and 4. "I Will Remember You" and "Angel" -- Sarah MacLachlan
One of Deb's favorite singers. I think the titles speak for themselves.

5. "These Are The Days Of Our Lives" -- Queen
I picked this under protest. Deb loves the song. Me, I liked Queen before the synthesizer took over. But I can't argue with the line, "Those days are gone now, but one thing stands true/When I look, and I find I still love you."

6. "Wish You Were Here" -- Pink Floyd
I couldn't help but think it was probably the first time Floyd got played in that chapel, and Deb would get a kick out of it. Deb also said Floyd was the greatest concert she ever went to, and we love the song. Besides, it's how I feel now.

7. "Don't Know Why" -- Norah Jones
Probably the weirdest pick of the bunch. The lyrics weren't really appropriate for the occasion. But I picked it because Deb was always saying she wanted to do the song at karaoke, and I figured this was her last chance. Didn't work.

8. "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" -- Simon and Garfunkel
One of Deb's favorite songs, plus it reminds me of a gospel song and the message was appropriate.

9. "Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel)" -- Billy Joel
In March, Deb and I went to see him in concert. It would be the last show we went to. We had a great time forgetting our troubles until he played this.

"Goodnight my angel, it's time to close your eyes
And save your questions for another day."

She burst into tears, and I did too.
We held each other, sobbing. We stopped holding back, stopped trying to be brave, and for the duration of the song, we became what deep down we really were: two kids frightened of a monster who was threatening to take one of us away forever. At the end of the song, though, there were the lines that would console me and roll through my head for days after the memorial service:

"One day we'll all be gone, but lullabies go on and on
They never die. That's how you and I will be."

I played this not to remind Deb and myself of the tears, but of the thing between us that will never die.

10. "The Rose" -- Bette Midler
Deb did a killer version of this at karaoke. I never cared for the song until I heard her sing it, then it all clicked. The lyrics were what Deb felt about love, and before I came along, she was singing it to herself about the guy who would come into her life. After we got together, she was singing about me.

"Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed."

I can't tell you how special that makes me feel.

I also had the song's final lines engraved on the box containing her ashes.

"Just remember in the winter/Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love/In the spring becomes the rose."

Deb never thought she was beautiful, and when I told her she was, she would say I needed to have my eyes fixed. No, I'd tell her, my eyes are fine. I see you the way you are.

She is the rose.