It’s just emotion

So, I have cancer.

I’m reflecting back on the moment I was told. The ER doctor really did say it as plainly as, “You have cancer. I’m sorry to tell you this way.”

How did I react? I don’t think I did except to say, “OK.”

I think they thought I was in shock or denial or something. Or maybe it was the pain from my broken leg. But I pretty much was emotionally absent at the moment.

It wasn’t bravery. It was just reality. If I have cancer, what’s next? Treatment? Surgery? Turning off the lights?

I really haven’t had an emotional scene since the diagnosis. The only time I get close to tears is when I express my gratitude to everyone for support. 

Am I worried I’m going to break down crying and not stop? I’m looking forward to it. I really could use the release.

Maybe the other health problems are taking emotional attention away from the cancer. If I had only one issue to deal with, I’d be kicking and screaming. As it is, like Jesse Ventura said in Predator, “I ain’t got time to bleed.”

I also have been looking back and think I’ve been emotionally distant for a long time. I haven’t really expressed to people how I feel about them. Since this happened, I’ve been taking more time to tell people how I feel about them. I wish I had started it sooner. 

I know people know I care about them, but I wish I had said so. I also feel like I used barriers to keep people out of my inner self. That’s something else I’m working on.

I’m not a positive enough person to say the cancer made me a better person. Frankly, you can keep it and I’ll go back to being an emotional shut in, thank you very much. But I do feel better expressing my feelings, not about my illness, but about the people I care about. 

Don’t wait to let those you care about know. That’s my advice.