Answered prayers

The oddest thing I remember about the whole cancer thing was people telling me how strong I was. Even Deb was thanking me, saying she didn't know why I didn't just leave.

I never knew what to say except thanks, but the truth is being strong had nothing to do with it.

The fact is it would've hurt me more to leave than to stay, and not just because I loved her more than anything, even more than myself.

It was because of prayers.

I'd waited my whole life for her. Growing up, I knew the one thing I'd be really good at was being married.

I prayed to be a husband. For the longest time, I prayed for God to take care of "her, whoever she is."

It wasn't really until after we were married that I realized my prayer had come true. I know how strange that is, but really getting married for me was less about being head over heels for this woman than, "Well, we've been living together for a year and a half. I'm not going anywhere, neither is she, let's get on with it."

That's the truth.

It wasn't till after we were married, on our honeymoon at Disney World when I was walking around in the top hat with the mouse ears, holding hands with this really silly girl wearing white mouse ears with a veil who was soaking in each and every congratulation that it brought her that it hit me that I had married the girl of my dreams. Of my prayers.

This was "her."

After that, my prayer was to never take her for granted.

When the cancer thing started, I never doubted it would end with her cured. There was no other way it could have ended for me. Any other outcome was out of the slightest possibility of being a whim of a ghost of a chance of being an inkling of what could happen.

After all, my prayer had been answered. But so had another one, though I didn't realize it for a long time.

The other thing I prayed for while I was growing up was to be needed. I'm never more alive than when I'm doing something useful. Dad used to say you can't take care of everybody, just your own.

Deb was my own.

So in a weird way, the cancer was another prayer answered. I needed to be needed, and no one needed me more than she did.

When she died, I felt betrayed. Like every person who loses someone and who believes in God, I spent time asking why. I shouted at him. I cried at him. I hated him.

Then we made our peace. After all, he did answer my prayers. He did grant Deb the peace she wanted. And any hope I have of running into her again depends on him.

There are worse reasons to believe.

I just read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis, who is best known for writing the Christian allegories/fantasy classics the Narnia series. I also knew from seeing the movie "Shadowlands" that he had been married and lost a wife.

It wasn't until I got a Kindle and was looking to put the Narnia books on it that I discovered "Grief." In it, one of the great Christian minds of the 20th century comes very near to turning his back on God.

In the end, he makes his peace too. No conclusions, really. He concludes, like I've done, that grief is an ongoing process, one that never ends, but one you learn to deal with on your journey through life.

It was nice to know I had such notable company on my journey.