Not In The Mood

OK, it was Christmas 2001, our first real Christmas together (we met on Dec. 8, 2000, but if I had bought her a lot of presents that Christmas I would've looked creepy and desperate, and it was way too early in the relationship to show her that side of me).

We'd been dating for a year, but ... well, it was still in the "are-we-gonna-be-friends-or-lovers" stage, mostly because she still wasn't sure I was going to turn into a jerk like her first husband. We'd kissed and held hands, but as far as more ... OK, I was chicken-s**t. Things were going so well, I wasn't going to be the one to screw up everything by putting my hand up and going, "Pardon me, but are we going to get naked anytime soon?"

That first year was pretty strange, let me tell you.

Anyway, it was Christmas, and I didn't know what to get her. I mean, what do you get someone you like a lot but don't want to scare off by getting something TOO nice. Plus you don't want to overspend because if you buy them, say a nice watch, and they get you a T-shirt, you make them feel bad, and Deb was definitely making just enough money to get me a T-shirt.

So I was shopping in a toy store (she loved toys) and I saw mood rings.

For those of you too young to know, mood rings were a craze in the '70s. The stone in it is heat-sensitive or something and changes color, which is supposed to reflect your mood. When it's black you're feeling down, but when it turns green you're happy, or something like that.

I thought, perfect gift. Not by itself, mind you, but it's campy, it's fun, it's nostalgic, and I could even make the joke that she couldn't say I never got her jewelry because I had bought her a ring.

I even had an jewelry box I could put it in. And over the next couple of weeks, when she asked what I was getting her, I'd tell her things like it was small enough to fit in her hand and it was something she could wear.

In retrospect, I see the mistakes I made:
1. Women don't joke about jewelry.
2. When you show them a jewelry box, the one thing they don't want to see inside it is a mood ring.
3. Girlfriends don't joke about jewelry.
4. Don't save the joke gift for last.
5. Women, especially those who have just started to think, "This guy is THE ONE," don't f*****g joke about jewelry.

After that, she did joke with some friends that I had bought her a ring and let them think it was a big deal, and she did admit that it wasn't the right time for me to get her an engagement ring, but she also occasionally would pull out the "You gave me a MOOD ring" line whenever she wanted me to feel guilty.

And yes, she did get me a T-shirt.

I never did find out what happened to the mood ring. I strongly suspect she threw it in a lake, probably the same lake she wanted to throw me in when I gave her the thing.

So remember, mood rings make bad presents. And don't joke about jewelry.